You’re Not Wrong – Just Different.

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My poor mother swears I’ve always been a hellraiser and, while I guess I probably participated in my fair share of shenanigans as a kid, I really was never much of a rebellious type. I wanted to fit in with the cool kids, or keep to myself. I was either dressing like everyone else and trying to please the crowd, or hiding in a corner with my nose in a book (quote often, my second or third book that day).

Raising hell was not in my arsenal of weapons. 

As I found myself in my college years, a new mother and wife instead of a college student, I started rebelling against society in a number of ways I never expected. I looked around and saw things differently than anyone I knew. I saw, from being raised by a large handful of very different people, that there are very few absolute answers in this world…but lots of opinions and perspectives. I saw that compassion is a wondrous thing. I saw that combining the realization that my truth isn’t going to equal someone else’s truth with the act of compassion changes relationships for the better.

Ten years later, few things offend me. I don’t like being told I don’t have a job (I don’t have a boss – huge difference. Anyone who thinks I don’t have a job is free KMA). I don’t like being told I’m nearly thirty – not because 30 is old, but because I want to enjoy every year I have and not rush myself past two more years. But, most of all, I get a little offended (unintentionally) when people tell me I’m wrong.

Unless we’re talking about a matter of fact, like mathematics or scientifically backed data, much of life really is about perspective. Just because I disagree with my dad about the role of the military and police in the world doesn’t mean I’m wrong, or that he’s wrong, it just means we have different opinions. These opinions have different outcomes, one of which is okay with him and one of which is okay with me. All this means is that neither of us would like to live in the other’s view of how things should be. Big, big difference from either of us being outright wrong. 

If your best friend thinks Journey is the best band in the entire world (They are, by the way :P), and you think The Rollingstones are the best band in the entire world, are either of you wrong? No. You have a difference of opinion. When I went vegetarian and everyone I know suddenly attacked me for not eating meat, was I wrong? No. It was my opinion that I shouldn’t eat meat. It was their opinion that they should eat meat. Neither actually had anything to do with the other.

I’m writing this to challenge you to look at the conflict around your life – your inner hostility, worries, concerns, arguments, etc. How much of those are based around matters of opinion? 

Going back to the Body

Happy Friday, Vagabond readers! If you’ve been around for awhile, you’ve probably seen this photo two or three times. I’m using it to day because, well, I’m hoping as I write this on Wednesday night that I will be sitting in that spot with that exact brush when you read this on Friday. I have loads to do this weekend while in Savannah, but I have special time cut out just to sit under the Spanish moss and paint. Why? Because painting is one of my forms of meditation – and that’s what this post is about! Please welcome my friend Kiki, with her beautiful views on compassion and returning to the body.

Painting, Forsyth Park

Reading about reasons to meditate, I came upon the information that calming the mind helps us because it counteracts the brain’s natural negativity bias, a protective mechanism we inherited from our ancestors, who had to spend far more time than we do anticipating and mentally rehearsing responses to predators and numerous other dangers. It behooved them to pay attention, careful attention, to details in their surroundings and to evaluate, evaluate, vigilantly.

Well, I thought, nice to know where that comes from…been trying to ignore that venal, internal critic my entire life. Who knew my mind was simply prone to judging every single thing in its immediate environment to assess its potential to harm? And all for such a compelling reason! Survival!

When I am not meditating, what am I supposed to do with this insistent creature inside my head? I cannot completely rid my life of it; it has important things to convey, such as, When are you going to learn that the less said, the better, at times? Do you have to be right, make your point, get it all in? You don’t have to externalize every thought, it reminds me. It has taken me more than a few decades to regulate my mouth. Now I am working on my brain.

A trusted counselor helps me with this and he tells me: It takes compassion. We talk a lot about how Buddhist and Taoist practices can inform our relationships, about becoming aware, accepting ourselves as we are. One of the phrases we use is: no second arrow. This has become my cue to practice compassion with my Self.

My mate and I solicited this help to improve our communication skills. So if I find myself apologizing for yet again getting all up in my husband’s stuff about not cleaning or I let my phobias run away with my tongue or my hot buttons got pushed or my abandonment stuff got activated—geez there’s a lot of mines to step on in this here field—if I find myself apologizing, with no “buts”, mind you, none of the, “I’m sorry…but you do it, too”—no. Just apologize. Sincerely. I’m to cowgirl up and take responsibility for my part without accusing my husband of anything. And in so doing, to not entertain sticking another arrow into my own heart—not say, either internally or externally, I effin did it again, I always do that, why can’t I quit sabotaging my own dang self? None of that. That’s second arrow. The first arrow being that yes, I effin did it again.

Reader, have a bit of compassion for yourself. When we think of compassion, we ordinarily place ourselves in relation to another, having compassion for someone else. Seeing that we have these negativity biases embedded in our bodies, it’s very wonderful when we can find some kindness in our hearts to pass along to another soul in need. I contend that, like other wells of emotional depth, we need to replenish our cisterns of compassion, and we need to do that by being kind to ourselves. Being gentle with our flaws, our unregulated mischievous humanity, places us in a different internal mindset. Our energetic imprint, if you will, gets elevated—think of how it feels when you do something extra nice, go out of your way to help or extend a hand, listen to a pal who’s hurting, give deeply of your time, energy, or whatever you have that’s needed. Now think of how it would feel within your body to forgive yourself and accept that you went against your own best efforts and messed up again. What kind of energy is generated by that simple act of self-care?

If meditating soothes the mind’s negativity bias, compassion directed at one’s self goes one small but conscious step further: It raises positive internal energy. Most of us are run by our heads (and, of course, egos); our minds gather protective information and funnel it down to the heart and body. The sensate mind takes note of voice inflections, gestures, postures, facial expressions, then interprets and translates it into feelings and responses. Practicing compassion towards the self reverses this process, as it redirects conscious attention to the heart. The heart,
then, holds the reins and passes information to the brain for a response. A very different sort of energy is created and released.

Saying someone pushed your hot buttons is a fairly accurate way to describe the head-to-heart process. We feel someone attacked or reject us, disregarded our needs and our ego formulates a rather automatic response, often a counterattack. Becoming aware, i.e., noticing the ego’s methodologies, gives us the moment we need to step back. Administering a little compassion in that interval allows us to make a different, conscious choice about how to respond. That is more of a heart-to-head process.

I have described the physical process in detail because one of the other Buddhist practices I am learning is to go back to the body, either to the breath or to internal sensations experienced, so as to ground myself in the present moment. For example, you feel angry; fear is usually not far behind anger, and you find where in your body you actually feel the emotion. In the noticing, you can talk to it (“hello, fear, I see you’re here…what’s this really about?”). This is an act of compassion towards the self. You pause long enough to understand there is no current harm confronting you, no reason to counterattack. You can see your part in whatever drama is occurring, take responsibility and move on. Without reinjuring yourself with blame and judgment, you now have the energy to grant another person warm respite or understanding. The potential for a moment of recognition occurs—you come to know within your bodily experience that the internal evaluator can be effectively quieted with no harmful results. You come to know because you can literally feel it, that kindness to yourself is more compelling to your heart than perpetuating the ego’s agenda, because it contains the key to enlightened self-acceptance and greater
internal peace.

Simply put, when we practice compassion towards ourselves, the ability to pass it along increases. It reminds us that we all want the same things: to love and be loved, to belong, to connect authentically and feel safe in our choices to do so.

Kiki is a writer living and bettering her communication skills in SoCal with her husband and two cats. 

Compassion with Jessie from ModCloth!

Happy Thursday, Vagabonders! Today, Jessie from ModCloth wants to share with you a bit on her views of compassion. Jessie is a sponsor of The Vagabond Studio, and I adore working with her. She is also one of my few daily reads. Hope you enjoy!

Jessie, Modcloth, Sheep

People feel compassion in many different ways and for many different things.  A few years ago compassion was not a word I used in my vocabulary.  I’ve always considered myself a nice person who cared about others but now I realize how much compassion was lacking in my life.  I have been Vegan for over a year now.  When I first decided to stop eating meat and all animal products it was only for personal health reasons.  Several months later into my new lifestyle I started watching more and more films that showed how abused animals are in the farm industry.

I have to say it’s hard stuff to watch.  I have to turn my head many times and I cry many tears.  It doesn’t get any easier to see the images of neglect and abuse.  My heart aches when I see a cow being pushed by a bulldozer or it’s baby dragged away from it.  It’s horrifying, but indeed reality.  Humans are doing these horrible things to these animals that are completely helpless.  I grew up with lots of pets and love for animals.  Compassion for animals has always “been there”, I’ve just taken it to the next level in my life.

ModCloth, Vagabond Studio, Vegan, Stickers

Being vegan is a choice.  Not always an easy one if you base it off of how some people will judge you.  Other then that though, it’s simple.  So much of it is truly just will power.  We live in a world where we are all raised to eat meat and drink milk.  It’s considered the “norm”.  You stray away from the “norm” and you are criticized for it by some.  Vegans like me attempt to inform people about it but most people are scared of change and don’t want to hear it.  I love the quote, “You can lead people to water, but you can’t make them drink it.”  I remind myself this everyday.  I can’t change anyone, I just hope to leave someone inspired.

I can relate to being scared of change.  I used to be that person.  I ate meat for the first 30 years of my life and up to a few years ago I didn’t even know what a Vegan was.  Now I am one!  I also used to never believe peace was possible.  I used to roll my eyes every time I would see a shirt with a peace sign on it.  Just a few weeks ago I purchased my first peace sign necklace and I now wear it proudly.  I used to throw everything in the trash.  Never recycled and rarely donated things.  Now I am lucky if I can fill up a normal trash bag in a week because I recycle and reuse so much.

I am living proof that people can change.  I love setting an example now and inspiring people to make better changes in their lives.  Not only for themselves, but the planet, all the people and creatures living on it.  If that’s not compassionate, I don’t know what is.  Being compassionate to me is ending all unnecessary suffering.  We all can make a difference.  Don’t ever doubt yourself or think that one single person can’t leave the world a better place.

Jessie, ModCloth, Black and White

Another thing that happened to me before becoming a Vegan, is I took a road trip by myself across the country.  (I did this drive to be with my husband who was in California and I was living in Ohio.)  The further I got away from the mid-west and the closer I got to the mountains, something clicked inside of me.  I was driving in between these beautiful mountains and rolling hills on highway 40 when I realized there was so much more to life.  I felt connected instantly to nature.  I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of joy and happiness!  At that moment I fell in love with our planet and knew I needed to make some changes.

Little did I know that just a few years after that moment that I would be so deep into my new Vegan lifestyle.  Caring about the environment, being green and not eating animals all goes hand to hand for me.  A lot of people think that you have to be a “hippie” or extremely liberal to care about the planet or being a (GASP) Vegan.  It’s all just a stereotype.  We all share this planet together and we should all care equality about it.  I think caring about the environment is also a very compassionate action that someone can take.  It is our home after all. :)

 

You can catch Jessie on her blog, Pinterest, and Instagram, as well as follow her on Bloglovin‘ – I know I do! 

Compassion, for myself!

We’re not even a week in, and I’ve already missed a day. Guess it’s a good thing we’re discussing ‘compassion’ this month, eh? That’s something upon which I need to work – compassion towards myself. I do believe I have a guest post later this week on that very subject so, for now, I will stick with this:

Leonie Sawson, Incredible Year, Workbook

I have been working through Leonie Dawson’s ‘Create Your Incredible Year – Life edition’ workbook for a few weeks now, and I am loving it. One of my favorite parts is that it starts with a ‘release’ of 2012 – oh, how I needed that! Then it starts in with just one form of self-compassion right after another. There are motivating things, plans, brainstorming, etc., but there are also constant reminders to be compassionate and loving to yourself.

One of my favorite parts of the workbook, which I add a little to every day, is a ‘to-do’ list for the year. It’s not the normal kind of ‘to-do’ list, but a list of fun things or goals. I have everything from ‘clean out cabinets’ to ‘dance in the rain’ and ‘Paint on Forsyth’ (which happens to be a park in Savannah in which I will step foot this weekend! – consider it done!). This list gives me things to which I can look forward and reminds me to take time out of my day to do something other than work or school. When I’m done with this workbook, which shouldn’t be too long now, I’m going to do the business version, and then move on to the Business Goddess Mastermind E-course. I love being a part of Leonie’s Amazing Biz and Life Academy because, not only do we have an incredible group of women to support us, but we have an endless stream of resources like these that help us create and realize our own dreams instead of just learning how everyone else realized theirs. It helps me remember that my dreams are my own, and they’re worth it, even if no one else thinks they are.

Leonie, Workbook, Incredible Year

 

What are some of your dreams that you would like to achieve? I found myself browsing historic farmhouses tonight with big doe eyes, dreaming of my future eco-friendly farm, far, far away.

Compassion: One World

COmpassionMap

In my Values and Society class, we have discussed something called the ‘sphere of moral concern’.  We are reading Peter Singer’s work entitled ‘One World’ and, in it, Singer asks us to question what and who we accept into our sphere of moral concern. For most people, that answer is generally restrained to those things that personally affect them – family, close friends, etc. But what about the things and people located outside of that tightly-knit circle? What about people in another community? Another continent? What about animals and trees? According to Singer and his proposed view of ‘One World’, all sentient beings on the planet should be equal, take equal shares of the environment and, if integrated with Karen Armstrong’s philosophy of dethroning ourselves from our world, should all be shown compassion equally.

Later this week, I may post part or all of my most recent paper in this class – it’s directly related to this. I made a B+, though, and have a few edits to make first. In the meantime, I ran across this incredible hand-created map made by Children Inspired Design. She has a lot of beautiful work, and donates 100% of the proceeds of the compassion map to a children’s nutrition program in Bangladesh. Why? Because she’s compassionate, and wants to inspire compassion. I think this map is beautiful because, other than the land/ocean divide, there are absolutely zero boundaries. Instead of sectioning us off into political nations and geographic regions, the emphasis is placed upon the fact that we are one world, and we all inhabit it together. No matter what nationality, race, religion, or even species, we are all in this together.

For more information about the incredible compassion map, here’s a video!

http://youtu.be/pDJzqbTamUQ